Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
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it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
every single time
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Rare photo of two submarines racing
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
A comic by Dan Piraro
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months