Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Google. Filling the gaps in public education.

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?

Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks

we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re critical

me: I meant medically

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

*gets bitten

*becomes shy shy

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

Yes, mother, I have gained weight.

No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.

I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.

Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?

Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage

For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises

One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.

Until then, I’ll keep eating.

Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.

“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”

Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse

Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?

Me: one’s for you

Him: and the other one?

Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.

daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices