me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
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[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
April 1st is the class clown of days.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman