me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
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My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”