Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.

I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?

“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.

Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.

I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

Mood.. 😂

My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂

[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right

Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.

According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.

Is it because I’m brown??

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.

Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.

That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.

How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin

43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”

Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.

You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?

-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.

Me: Did you bring a poop bag in case the dog poops?
Bf: I brought 2 bags!
Me: Oh, good. I can take a poop then too.

The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”

I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows

Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.

[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no