Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.

I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing

Stop being racist to kettles.

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife

Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.

1977: stayin’ alive

2020: stayin’ alive

I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee

Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in

MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm

I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.

[first day in the Coast Guard]

Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!

Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next

Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.

Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.

They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.

They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”

If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.

Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.

Dr.: Very well. Just relax..

*puts bow on Pacman’s head

gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”

me: