Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
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Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
What the hell happened here.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.