Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.

(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?

My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?

Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”

Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it

ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys

[ first day as job recruiter ]

me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife

him: teller?

me: yes that’s why I’m calling

Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral

Me: to when? The 90’s?

If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party

Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe

As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.

The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am

[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?

me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination

me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume

To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”

A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.

Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.

Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.

Me: I got the vaccine!

MIL: I’m coming for a visit

Me: I don’t want it anymore!

If I had two brownies, I’d give you one

little corner off of one

What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems

What I hear: better have the whole bottle then

GOD: They scared enough?

ANGEL: Not yet

GOD: You got Trump running?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Hurricane?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.