Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.

I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.

I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*

My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”

So now I have a tombstone to select

[Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.

My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.

Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?

Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!

Guinness: …
(tilts her head)

Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”

I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.

6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can’t have babies

6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?

Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.

Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.

I’m their teacher.

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.