Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
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Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?