Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Hey can you-

Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.

Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.

Typos are what differentiates is from robots

me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada

I’m so full I could puke a horse

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song

me: time for some laundry 🙂

laundry machine: ok 🙂

me: ok time to dry 🙂

dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets

One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.

I like my men well-rounded

and sweet

and rich

and available

and covered in sprinkles

wait a minute…

that’s donuts

I like donuts

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

“Dadd-”

“No.”

“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”

“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”

i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot

If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.

The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.

And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”

[first day as pilot]

Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.

I never know how much to tip a cow.

[ quarantine, day 46 ]

me: this boredom is unbearable

my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you

An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga

When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A

finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird

Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!

Him: I’m an English teacher

Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes

My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.

[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]

*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*

Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.

*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack

me: i have a BA in english

guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]