Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
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Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.