Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face

You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?

I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.

didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off

🤭😂

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

After how many years should you clean your microwave?

Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?

Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?

me: this hotel is $100 per night?

clerk: that’s right

me: how much for just one room

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”

ME: What are you watching?

WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.

ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.

HER: Get out.

surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint

My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.

THEM: You are not alone.

ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.

“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails

My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”

I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”

I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.

*3 running a brush through my hair*

3: I’m making your hair pretty

Me: Thank you

3: instead of so ugly

Me:

When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.

Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope