Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
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My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.