Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
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Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Cool shirt 🙂
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
