Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Same pineapple, same
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
😾
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
