Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.
Banks, what is your problem?
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
