Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.

How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?

ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax

ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive

every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy

Me: [cracks open a can of beer]

Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.

TSA agent just said the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

“Keep track of your gifts. Don’t want Santa’s elves to take your toys back to the North Pole”.

The elves wouldn’t do that. That’s not what they do.

Don’t touch me.

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard

People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know

Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”

People: wait no, why are you like that

what

Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.

[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]

Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.

Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.

8-year-old: Who’s coming over?

Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.

8: But we already know we live like this.

Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys

Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.

My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.

Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.