Me: Have you been following the H1B stuff? My wife: No, what happened? Did it mutate to infect humans?
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If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex