Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.

My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!

My bladder: Don’t listen to them.

Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car

[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510

Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh

so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it

“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”

I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.

What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house

A spoo-key.

When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers

Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.

We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.

My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.

Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.

I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano

Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower

(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?

Want his attention?

Send nudes

Want to piss him off?

When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”

me: i’m late

boss: again?

me: it’s yours

Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”

Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”

“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago

“I do not negotiate with little kids”

My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.