Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher

Very good! 👍😂

Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?

Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night

An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.

People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.

i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food

I Can’t Tonight…

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope

me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight

him: sure how about a movie

me: cool you pick

[halfway through Teen Wolf]

me: you tricked me

Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.

Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit

There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.

Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.

Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

ME: i joined CrossFit

PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin

Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?

me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?

daughter:

*My wife being frustrated by my kids*

Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?

8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?

me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.

My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.

My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.

Elba: Bond. James Bond.

Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.