Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: This escape room sucks

My boss: This is a budget meeting…

“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”

Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician

*Later*

My dad: so what do you do?

Him: I get paid to lie to people

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.

“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”

I slowly look up. My time has come…

[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.

HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.

Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

can’t bark with your mouth full

I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.

#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”

Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.

“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.

*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’

Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!

Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?

Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.