Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
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me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
decorating my apartment
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?