Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes

what my dog hears: goodbye forever

Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?

Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)

Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.

UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over

[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.

Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!

Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.

Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.

Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?

me: laughter

nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-

me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.

“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”

“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”

-the first hipster

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

Me: Quitters never prosper.

12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?

I’m out of wisdom for today.

[getting ready for church]

Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.

6-year-old: Okay.

Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.

6: *gets dressed in record time*

My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

Nice try Hitler

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

Me: I like that racecar.

Her: You know that’s a palindrome.

Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.