Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
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I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.