Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭

Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.

Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.

I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”

Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.

Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.

Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.

Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.

*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop

Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know

Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid

If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.

Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot

“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

Interviewer: strengths?

Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….

Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?

Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??

[first day as EMT]

Me: *checks pulse*

Victim’s wife: well?

Me: *shakes head*

Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head

Worst perfume name ever.

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

Good things about drinking on the plane:

1. You don’t have to drive.

2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.

ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again

Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de

Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home

LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories

ME: shouldn’t it have more?

*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh

No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.

My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.

Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.

Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]

My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.