Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men

Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56

IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends

Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?

Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*

Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

him: you’re not like other girls

me, at the urinal next to him: how

I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

TODAY

No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.

uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?

My favorite type of men is ramen.

Yeah I go to the gym.

Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.

[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]

Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?

Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes

Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders

me: why does it have to be family get-togethers

I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”

Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call

Me: I bet it starts with an 8

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.

Me: you want salmon for dinner?

3yo: yeah!

Me: what do you want with it?

3yo: mayo.

Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.

3yo: mayonnaise.

Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.

Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.

[laying in bed]

Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback

Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.