Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin

Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

Sex so good your binoculars fog up.

Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right

My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!

Made something I’m not proud of

How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it

Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE

Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.

Do you believe in aliens ?

If so , do they have genitals?

*Sad trombone noise*

Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”

It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.

I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE

I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.

Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.

Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32

Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili

I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair

No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.

me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?

her: sure!

[later]

her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be

me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean

if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

ME: for like important stuff i guess

CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs

ME: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

ME: she did what