Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
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the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
So Hamburger help me, God
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Oh yeah that’s it
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
do u think theres a butter planet?
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.