“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
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me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
The internet is magic sometimes.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.