No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
You Might Also Like
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Note to self: always read the final line
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Care for your back
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.