Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.

[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders

“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE

Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?

If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.

I’m about to lose 20 pounds.

*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

3 – DAD! HEY DAD!

Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me

3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section

Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.

My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020

6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.

I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.

Most of the time.

Once in a while.

Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.

Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!

Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.

Her: oh my god i’m so wet

Me: have you tried putting it in rice?

*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”

[me living in a hallmark movie]

oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?

well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!

WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!

Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..

me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.

Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.

The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.

If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity