ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
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Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
why I oughta
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Mad Max Arctic Road
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Never ghost your hitman.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.