Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.

St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously

Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses

My dog: she’s my support person

Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:

Music: Jimi Hendrix

Science: Albert Einstein

Business: Michael Scott

If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy

Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.

[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]

[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]

8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.

Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.

I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.

Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?

Wife: Ewan McGreggor

Me: Thank you but you can only pick one

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?

I’m doing crunches twice a day now…

Captain in the morning…

Nestle in the afternoon.

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.

*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*

Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?

I AM the Illuminati.

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”

You guys just tried it, didn’t you?

My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.

I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady

man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear