@thetobbie

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

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@primawesome

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

@DanRather

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.

@ImMelanieGibson

Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.

@Ygrene

[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this

@rickygervais

Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.

@zachreinert03

Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD

@ItsAndyRyan

Wife: We’ve been robbed!
Me: I called the copse
Wife: You mean the COPS?
Group of trees: Hi, we’re Special Branch

@thenatewolf

Using Instagram as my only data set, I estimate my friend’s food budget to be about $78,000 a year.

@AbrasiveGhost

INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?

ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off

@TheToddWilliams

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?