ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
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Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”