ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
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The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me