me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
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[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.