me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
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Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.