Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.

“These are serious allegations”

You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.

heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”

Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches

A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.

How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.

It’s either sink or swim.

#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style

<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right

A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.

Grow up never but we old may grow we

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?

ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings

*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*

“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”

*sandwiches

Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”

Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.

ME: oh yeah? How much?

WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.