Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah

Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.

My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him

Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]

Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one

In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

sistine chapel

“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

I have no words

~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear

17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

her: this is the worst date EVER

me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.

crying

used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip

Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back

What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?

A Slipper

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.