Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

HR said no more nunchucks.

My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”

[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know

I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to

[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]

Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!

Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*

Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution

Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.

Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.

“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”

For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?

Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…

My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?

“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”

A great first step 😂

date: I come from a broken home

bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken

Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind

Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?