Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?

My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.

No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

I gave a yelp review once.

In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?

i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles

This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!

[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.

Netflix and Will…

…you stop trying to touch me?

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana

ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning

me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day

them: is it for an advent calendar

me: no

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.

You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.

November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.

Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly

9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.