Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
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Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
ok this is my dumbest yet
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.