Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.

Boating season is upon us.

[on a first date]

Me: So do you like puppies?

Her: Oh I love them

Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies

Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.

Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline

“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.

my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music

[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home

If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.

*proposes to girlfriend*

*accidentally drops ring in the street*

“I’ll still marry you”

Sorry, I’m married to the streets now

The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza

I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.

If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day

It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.

I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.

And my shoes got wet.

I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.

I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…

There is no try. There is only give up.

No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.

ME: They call me Mr Universe

DATE: You workout?

ME: I’m constantly expanding

On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.

Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus.

[At a restaurant]

Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.

Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.

Me: Those don’t come with fries.

Husband: I know.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!