Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
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People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.