Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
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[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
choose your fighter
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
When your parents check you’re ok.
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
me when somebody idk start touching me
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.