Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
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“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
my first day as a raccoon
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.