Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
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Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
just witnessed a drug deal
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Twitter fine art
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings