Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
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Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
need a new bf mines broken 😐
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Möther may I have a snäck
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh