Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…

Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.

You look like you would fail a DNA test

My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge

Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.

*When I see someone else jaywalk*

“What an idiot.”

*When I jaywalk*

“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”

Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group

Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..

Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle

Wow 🤣

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?

Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.

Damn he played himself

A customer told me they were never coming back….

The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.

[hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*

Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store

Price: $7.04

“No way”

Price: $6.94

“Now we’re talking”

It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.

Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…

[ad for milk]

give your Skeleton strength for the war to come

Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.

It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?