Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair

nothing saves money like being antisocial

I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.

Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am

aladdin: i can show you the world

jasmine: no

aladdin: i can show you a cool bug

jasmine: ok

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.

Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.

Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound

ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years

[post sex interview]

reporter: what went wrong out there

me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.

the world’s most popular steaming services

[a magic show]

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this…

[1 hour later]

…him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?

Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.

Me: “Is this seat taken?”

Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”

Thoughts

The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band

[White Castle]

YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.

ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better

Parenting:

1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you

Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx

A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.

May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.