Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use

My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)

Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?

Quasimodo: I have a hunch.

Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?

Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.

MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors

a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her

Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”

Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.

My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.

[quietly opens a beer]

Funeral Director: seriously?!

Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]

[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!

Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.

the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child

my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s

my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”

me: im depressed

therapist: try a good walk

me: will that work

therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

Sign at work today

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7

[world without bees]

Hamlet: to or not to

“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…

…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.

I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

HER: I love Game Of Thrones

ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister