me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
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Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
New Cartoon for Alta magazine
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
ew if literal: let me be clear
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
At least my masseuse has my back.