ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
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The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Lube but for my dry humor.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
For the baby who has everything
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING