Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.

I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.

God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly

Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.

Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.

You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.

Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then

me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him

St. Peter: then what happened

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

Answers phone, makes modem noises…

ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.

I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions

excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.

*opens present

HER: What is this?

ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.

HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?

It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.

The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems