ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
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Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
