Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning

Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.

Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

me, angry: I’m LEAVING-

doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*

*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*

airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

How about I get 100% off by already being there

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.

“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.

*At the couch store

“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”

Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night

Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?

*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming

Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”