me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
You Might Also Like
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
United Steaks of America
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*