me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
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walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
So jealous of the roads getting plowed right now.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
I suck at flirting I’ll be like “is that so?”
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
Wicked was really good except for the 1 year intermission I don’t need that long to go to the bathroom
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Bread puns are on the rise!