Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

Running from your problems is cardio .

[receives death threat]

please stop flirting with me

The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”

My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.

Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.

A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT

-worms on Twitter

ME: [running for my flight]

PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP

The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.

Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?

Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for

glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,

I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision

toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.

*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]

Thoughts that keep me awake….

why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?

*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.

Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now

I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.