Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django

The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*

The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.

Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.

Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.

Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.

I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.

what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar

Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.

I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp

Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age

Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.

Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”

Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.

One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.

COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !

Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,

when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops

People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

Mean things I kind of want to do:

1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.

2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.

Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.

Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.

“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny