Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.

Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.

Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]

Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun

[first date at restaurant]

Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.

My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.

I feel it

Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.

First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching

#MeanwhileInCanada

Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children

Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket

MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…

I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.

Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy

Parents: omg yes

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever

Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation

I’m only up to Covid 15.

No Spoilers Please!

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.

I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”

[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.