Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?

me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.

There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.

Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.

ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there

KIDNAPPER: shut up

ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?

KIDNAPPER: no, quiet

ME: you should have gagged me

KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out

ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone

She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory

When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.

I know this now.

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.

[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”

ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

This did not end as expected.

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.

Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.

Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.

pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed

Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.

I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.

Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”

[Grand Canyon]

*His screams echo as he falls to his death*

OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?

A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.

Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !

Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”