Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”

Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times

your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies

Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle

If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president

online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”

[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”

there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball

*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me

Dentist: for the love of God just floss

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.

Me: i’m so hungover.

Wife: what do you need?

Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.

Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*

ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave

LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*

If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.

[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?

[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!

Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.

Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*

Vampire: Thank you.

the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.

My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒

Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

Me: A storm is coming

My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?

I can easily control the weather.

– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado