Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mmmm canned fish.

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide

Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.

Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.

Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.

Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.

I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”

Lingerie.

…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!

7: Momma, I need $10

Me: Why?

7: I can’t tell you.

Me: Then I can’t give it to you.

7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.

Me: A deal!?

7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.

please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.

When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.

Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.

Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.

Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.

The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.

I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room

Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies

Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores

Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

To err is human, to eh is Canadian.

I’m giving up for Lent.