me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
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Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now