Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.

..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.

My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this

Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.

Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.

Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

[doctor’s]

INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?

DR: Your tests are all clear

IM: Is that good?

DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure

Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?

Me: We have to be quick!

*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*

*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking

You: Hold my beer.

Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.

That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.

Stonehinge

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.

choose your fighter(holiday edition)

Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.

If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts

Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.

“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”

I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first

When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.

Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”

See? My son can turn water into whine, too.

Your move, God.

Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.