Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
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Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts