Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.

I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.

Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.

experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.

Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.

Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?

Cop:

Me:

Cop: Speeding

Me: Oh phew!

Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”

The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg

[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse

“you’re odd”

“you are also odd”

“yes”

“so we’re even”

me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap

Me: We’re ordering pizza.

8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!

Me: We order pizza every week.

8: I have lots of best days.

if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.

*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”

[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.