Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?

Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can

Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.

Please know that my definition of “busy” varies widely. I could be doing my taxes, but I could also be watching a random YouTuber make something called “hobo biscuits” out of three ingredients over an open fire next to an abandoned railroad track.

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.

*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs

pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’

Boss: Did you get my email?

Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.

<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right

*turns on ceiling fan*

Oh shit my stamp collection

My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.