I turned off Auto-Correct for the first time, and now my new girlfriend thinks she has a face that launched a 1000 shits.
me: he died of natural causes
cop: you pushed him off the roof
me: gravity’s natural
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“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people…or sometimes floors
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
If Horror movies have taught me anything, it’s that you give elderly people what they want or else they’ll place a curse on you.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Fruits are single-handedly keeping the sticker industry afloat.
Their palms are sweaters, knees sweatery, arms are sweaters. There’s more sweater on their sweater already.