Apparently, if she’s refused to speak to you for two days your text should not be ‘Why are you mad again?’
me: he died of natural causes
cop: you pushed him off the roof
me: gravity’s natural
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Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
You can’t spell “secret government conspiracies” without that 27th letter of the alphabet that they’re hiding from us
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Forget sex positions, has anyone found a reading position that doesn’t get uncomfortable after about 5 minutes?
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.