Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
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Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Close call…
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*