@addy_maybe

me: he died of natural causes

cop: you pushed him off the roof

me: gravity’s natural

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@jake_lach

Apparently, if she’s refused to speak to you for two days your text should not be ‘Why are you mad again?’

@junejuly12

Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.

It’s that simple.

@gabbazaba

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

@DillDoes

You can’t spell “secret government conspiracies” without that 27th letter of the alphabet that they’re hiding from us

@HysteriaBarbie

Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up

@sfreeze6

[on deathbed – calls for son]

“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”

@ThugRaccoons

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

@AsgardianRose

Forget sex positions, has anyone found a reading position that doesn’t get uncomfortable after about 5 minutes?

@TheAndrewNadeau

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.