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@addy_maybe: me: he died of natural causes
cop: you pushed him off the roof
me: gravity's natural
@internetluke: Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don't say a word. Momma's gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I'll buy that kid anything..
@WilliamAder: Boss: Let's be frank.
Me: Dibs on "Sinatra."
@JessicaVarsity: Just remember, you can't please everyone.
So just focus on what's important, pleasing me.
@KeetPotato: [emergency dentist appointment]
dentist: what seems to be the problem?
me: my teeth [turns to nurse] is this guy new?
@khook32: Apparently telling the principal that "it's not cheating, it's cooperative learning" was the wrong thing to say.