@addy_maybe

me: he died of natural causes

cop: you pushed him off the roof

me: gravity’s natural

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@HeyZeus666

I turned off Auto-Correct for the first time, and now my new girlfriend thinks she has a face that launched a 1000 shits.

@garrydavenport

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

@dubstep4dads

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

@Scdavis24

Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people…or sometimes floors

@AkilahObviously

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

@drinksmcgee

If Horror movies have taught me anything, it’s that you give elderly people what they want or else they’ll place a curse on you.

@causticbob

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

@Death_Buddy

“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”

Sir are you a shark in disguise?

*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*

@kumailn

Fruits are single-handedly keeping the sticker industry afloat.

@KalvinMacleod

Their palms are sweaters, knees sweatery, arms are sweaters. There’s more sweater on their sweater already.