ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
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Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
absolutely not
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
PARKOUR
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.