Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket

Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him

If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

{job interview}

Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?

Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty

Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*

Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.

After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.

I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck

This toddler just ran up to me in Target, crying for me to pick him up. I didn’t know what to do, so I did & he stopped crying, immediately. His mom then walks up to me & says, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry sir. But you look just like his daddy” 💀.

An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn

whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary

ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!

KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.

Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.

(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….

The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.

Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.

My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.