Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.

[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”

some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows

Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?

Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode

Mom: More pie?

Me:

Mom:

Me:

Mom:

Me: Yes, obviously

It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.

Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet

Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.

smart people are like huskies

if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem

if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise

interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?

me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest

girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??

I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell

I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.

Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020

The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.

Sesame Street: this is an educational show

Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that

Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one

Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

Alice: I’m late.

White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line

Alice:

White Rabbit:

Alice: *stares*

White Rabbit: oh shit

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.

Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.